Aging with the Experts
Aging with the Experts Podcast is created by the Aging Life Care Association®.
Each episode features expert advice, professional insights, and personal stories designed to help families navigate the challenges of aging with confidence. Whether you’re a caregiver, an aging adult, or an industry professional, you’ll find trusted support and practical solutions here.
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Aging with the Experts
The Caregiver Daughter
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A heartfelt conversation about the unique journey of being a caregiver daughter.
Aging Life Care Professionals Lina Supnet-Zapata and Elyse Weber-Sacks share their personal experiences of stepping into the role of caregiver for a parent. They discuss how they found themselves in this position and the challenges they faced.
They offer guidance, encouragement, and practical strategies to help other caregiver daughters navigate this demanding role with resilience and compassion, and highlight how Aging Life Care Managers® can provide support, resources, and guidance to families in similar situations.
For more resources, visit AgingLifeCare.org your go-to source for trusted guidance and expert support in aging life care.
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Welcome to Aging with the Experts, a podcast brought to you by the Aging Life Care Association. Here to connect you with trusted voices and practical advice with real conversations and real solutions to help you navigate the complexities of aging. Whether you're facing the challenges yourself or supporting a loved one, you'll find guidance here.
SPEAKER_02Welcome to Aging with the Experts, the podcast coming to you from the Aging Life Care Association. I'm Lena Supnetzabata, Aging Life Care Manager and Certified Care Manager. Today's episode is called The Caregiver Daughter, a subject that is very near and dear to my heart. We're talking about the emotional load, the expectations, and the guilt that so many daughters carry when caring for aging parents. I am joined today by my colleague, friend, and fellow aging life care manager, Elise Weber-Sachs. Elise, I'm so glad that you're here, and welcome to the podcast.
SPEAKER_00Thanks so much, Lena, and thank you for having me. I'm really excited about this conversation.
SPEAKER_02Me too, friend. So let's dive in. So many of the families we work with have that one person, often the daughter, who becomes the default caregiver, balancing work, family, and care for a parent, which can be very overwhelming. They carry emotional labor, manage logistics, carry a mental load, and the unspoken expectation that, hey, they're going to figure it out. And slowly they become the care coordinator without preparation, without guidance, and without a safety net. Can you share how you approach supporting daughter caregivers in your practice? And this is not to include the sons because they are part of, you know, they can be very often a part of the caregiving scenario. But for the sake of this podcast, we're talking specifically about the caregiver daughter. So, Elise, do you want to share some info on what you see and kind of your philosophy?
SPEAKER_00Like many of us who are aging life care managers, we often get called when a family is in a crisis. And that is usually a call of somebody who's in a panic. Sometimes they've called a year ago and they thought everything was okay and they just wanted to do a little exploration, but they weren't really, they didn't think they were ready to really move forward with assistance. And then there's a crisis. It's often a medical crisis, be it a fall that lands somebody in the hospital with a broken hip or a stroke, and they're just in a total panic. They don't know what they don't know. When they are an only child, that's something I have found in my many years of doing this. That is something that usually comes out in sentence one or two, that they're an only child and they don't know what um what to do and they don't really have any support. And that's where we um can step in. And in you know, almost all cases, we we can certainly help and offer them support emotionally. And the goal is always to allow them to be the daughter and not the caregiver.
SPEAKER_02That's wonderful insight, Elise. I wanted to share the human side because the experiences are deeply personal, especially for Elise and myself. Elise, I know that you're a daughter caregiver and you are on the journey of caregiving, um, a daughter caregiver, but you're also an aging life care manager. Um, if you don't mind, would you share your personal story with our listeners?
SPEAKER_00Sure, Lena, I'd be happy to. Thank you for the opportunity. So my mother and my stepfather have lived a thousand miles away from me for most of my adult life. And my mother is an incredibly accomplished and smart woman, and they just have always lived independently. I would see them a few times a year. We're very close, but the distance was the distance. And then about three years ago, we started noticing some that my mother's short-term memory was um was was starting to decline. My stepfather was very sharp. He kind of filled in some of the gaps. They didn't want any help in any way, even though myself and my brother suggested it. And then about two years ago, that um my mother had a medical event, and she we actually thought we were gonna lose her, and we had to get caregivers involved. And I actually hired an aging life care manager where my mom and my stepfather live. Um so that gave me a unique perspective wearing that other hat of being um somebody who hired one, as well as being one, as well as being the daughter. So I was kind of in three different roles, and I started making trips down to where my mom lives once a month. So I made 19 trips in 20 months, getting on a plane while I was also running a business and having my own life administration and things to do with my own family. So it was incredibly stressful. I will say that the uh fact that we had an aging life care manager in place made a huge difference. And um, it was just very, very difficult, though, to watch my mom decline like this. And there were, you know, a variety of medical issues that came up and so on. I did ultimately, my stepfather passed away, and then we moved my mom up over this past summer closer to where I am. So that has really been a blessing as well. Um, but it's really been quite a journey, as I said, seeing the perspective of being the daughter, being the caregiver, being the aging life care manager, and working with an aging life care manager has really given me newfound insights into all of those different roles that I think has really benefited me in my work.
SPEAKER_02And I also think that it's benefited the clients that come and uh and work with you because of your lived experience. So thank you for sharing your story, Elise. Sure. I too am living um an experience, my caregiving journey, which I will share with our audience. It began uh when my dad was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma and just went in for he went in for a routine um surgery, they discovered the cancer, and they said that he'd have to start going through treatment. And it turned into a matter of hours. I was sitting in the waiting room um hearing the news and then immediately went into daughter caregiver mode. And because of the way that I'm wired, I was trying to put everything, do everything, and literally from 363 days from death, um, from diagnosis to death is what I had to face. And then to discover that my mom also had some health issues. Um, and so when my dad passed away, I brought her closer to where I live and became a daughter caregiver. It's been an eight-year journey thus far. I like to say and compare what I do as a secret life. It's maintaining composure, my accomplishments in my career, um, you know, and and all the while I also have another life where I'm managing medical crises, managing doctor's appointments, I take care of the finances, I make sure that my mom has everything that she needs, manage caregiver schedules. And the lived experience that I have gone through has also given me the gift to be able to counsel adult daughters who come into our practice that need that support. And I think we need to change the way that caregiving is looked at as asking for help is a bad thing. It's actually a good thing. And so the emotional output that we do to keep things together is not sustainable. So, you know, I also hired and work with one of my team members so that I can be a daughter at a care plan meeting. I can ask tough questions, I can be that daughter versus the professional. And I don't think that I would be able to do it by myself. So I'm really grateful for the gift of being able to do what I do, but also that there are professionals out there that can support me during this, you know, somewhat challenging um journey. There are some good days, but there are also some not so good days. And that's when um I think that what we do comes into play and is very helpful. Elise and I shared our personal stories, and these stories with the phone calls that we receive from adult daughters, they repeat themselves. You know, Elise is in the East Coast, I'm in Central Texas, and many of the stories that we share ring familiar. Every caregiver daughter feels like she needs three versions of herself to keep up. And so I wanted to go into talking about the caregiver guilt that comes with being a caregiver daughter. So let's talk about this. It feels almost universal. We want to do everything, and when we don't accomplish everything, we feel like we we failed or we're not doing a good job, and we're hardest on ourselves because we want to do right by our aging parents. However, we also have the demands of our work, we have the demands of our family, we have the demands of just life in general, and we are the fabric that holds everything together. So we also need to give ourselves race. But what do you think, Elise? Um, why do we feel so guilty, but we feel it so intensely?
SPEAKER_00Well, I think that it, I mean, there's there's many reasons for that, but I think that women for the most part are socialized. And since we are talking about the caregiver daughter, I'm just focusing on women now. Women are socialized to be caregivers. I mean, that is, you know, in most cases, there are differences, certainly culturally and so on, in various family backgrounds, but generally that is the case. So I think we we take on a lot of burdens. I mean, even though um fathers these days do a lot more with um childcare and parenting, it's a lot of the burden still falls on the women. That is just the way it is, and that's been well documented in many, many um articles and stories over the last several years. So I think it's just that feeling that we have to do everything, that we have to be everything, that we have to be there all the time, that whatever it is, we can fix it, that sort of feeling that everything is fixable. And sometimes it's not, sadly. So I think that, you know, being being the expectation of being the good daughter is also very um, very strong and puts a lot of pressure on women, um, most of whom were working and also managing their own children, be it smaller children or children who are teenagers, as well as working and providing the um the caregiver aspect to either a mother, father, or both. You know, that balancing act is really tough. People do the best that they can. But knowing when, as Lena alluded to earlier, knowing when to ask for help is really important because one person really can't do it all. It's really, really hard. And often they're thrust into these roles without really having the background to know what to do, to seek resources and so on. So asking help from people who do know that, I think is really important.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I totally agree with you, Elise. I also let our daughters know that, you know, a lot of what they do, it can't be sustainable. You know, they they they hold a lot of, you know, they oversee a lot of things in different aspects of their life. So to give themselves grace, but they are the sometimes they're the one and only. And so to preserve them, preserve their mental health, preserve their physical health, it's really important. And we need to have more discussions about the daughter caregiver and all the responsibilities that they hold, right? Um, so that they know that there's help out there and that it is okay to ask for help. And that's kind of the reframing of how we talk about being a daughter caregiver. Now, I wanted to go into something that I don't know if you've experienced, but sometimes guilt and friction comes with siblings too, right? Um, the daughter caregiver, uh, whoever is kind of in charge, like I was as the oldest daughter, and I'm just a doer, um, had high expectations of everybody pitching in and doing this and doing that and relieving me of some of the, you know, the responsibilities. And I had to realize that not every sibling is wired to be in the caregiving role. We all have our strengths, right? But I also think that while I felt judged by my own siblings, I also had to realize that they were probably grieving and trying to deal with the caregiving situation that they have never ever walked before. Um, and, you know, we had an issue with trying to decide where mom was going to live. We argued about um what was the best level of care, where she was going to move. You know, our dad who had passed away, he wanted this. Everybody was trying to honor that. And it just got to be where we were hitting below the belt, to be honest. And we are, you know, in our 50s, but acting like children. And it took a while and the lived experience of where I was able to say, hey, not everybody's wired like me, and that's okay. But what are you able to do? Um, so I don't know if you see that coming across your practice where, you know, it's not only caring for the parent, but it's also caring for the extensions of the parents, which are the children, the adult children, and they're not being on the same page. Is that something that you see quite often, Elise?
SPEAKER_00Oh, absolutely. I mean, the family dynamics and um it, I'd say it's more the exception than the rule when everybody's on the same page. Um, more often than not, there's disagreements amongst siblings. Sometimes there's different alignments within the siblings. If there's multiples of them, there may be two that are on one page and two that are on another, and you know, a whole myriad of of um of combinations of that. But that is often something that really um impacts the care for sure. And it really is something that has to be sorted out. And um sometimes we often we kind of find ourselves working as mediators, even if it's in an informal, in an informal way, but just to try to sort of figure out what is it that the parents want and what what would really be the best way to accomplish that. Um, and dividing, dividing up tasks so that that one person, and and maybe like in your case, Lena, it's the, you know, in your case, it was the oldest daughter, um, but to try to figure out that not one person has to do everything, that um if there are multiple siblings, they can, you know, one can handle finances and another one can do the medical. And honestly, I had something like that in in my own situation because my brother is a physician. So we he always handled the medical piece and I sort of did everything else. And interestingly, I will say that he it became apparent that he didn't really understand what I did for a living. Um he and it actually was something that um he he found newfound um admiration. Um, honestly, seeing what I was able to accomplish with um our mother and stepfather that he didn't really understand at all. So he um that was something that came out of of this journey that was actually a positive for us, for me and my brother and our relationship. So I will say, so we're on the same page. I'm very fortunate in that regard that we don't really have disagreements, but certainly that it comes up all the time with our work.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I I too have a uh, you know, physicians in my family. And interestingly enough, they too didn't know what I did. But as the years have passed, they do, you know, all of the things that have to um that are related to my mom's care is quite a lot. And I do know that they also have a newfound, you know, admiration and appreciation for the work that um I do, we do as aging life care managers. So this is a great segue into the next um part of our conversation um and talking about aging life care management and managers and how we make such a difference in the world of so many. I know many of um, you know, we're a 40-plus year association. Um, we have many, many members across the country. We often say we act as the professional daughter. We're air traffic control for all of the moving pieces and parts that come with healthcare, the issues with um the healthcare system. It's emotional support that we provide, but also practical support, care planning, appointments, crisis prevention. Elise, if you wouldn't mind, what's one example of how your involvement transformed the experience for a caregiver daughter?
SPEAKER_00Well, one example that comes to mind is a family that we are still currently working with. And initially, the the daughter, who was the one sort of you know, in charge, um, had you know a very controlling nature, um, as is is often the case. And so she had a hard time giving up any control to the aging life care manager working with this family. But over time, and it often is a process, it doesn't happen overnight in many cases, but over time she realized um and appreciated the benefit of having an aging life care manager so that she could be the daughter. And we say that often to to um caregiver daughters, so that let so that we can get involved and let us take some of that burden off you so that you can be the daughter. And in this case, it's been um a remarkable transformation how the this you know, previously very controlling daughter has now relinquished that and allowed the aging life care manager to really manage her parents' care totally, keep her, of course, apprised of what's going on, and it has freed her up to go out to lunch with her mom and do things with her that she previously she was so resentful because of the caregiving role. And now she's just able to really enjoy that relationship. And that is unique. Um, people, uh professionals can come in and do certain parts, but family is family, and and I think that's a gift to give to someone. And that is an example that comes to mind because, again, it's a family we're currently working with, and it's really been just such a transformation in such a uh wonderful way.
SPEAKER_02I think that's a beautiful example of how um, you know, aging life care managers can help. You know, we take a very holistic approach to um the families that we're involved in. We we don't look at just one aspect, um, but I do think that we um build a really trusting rapport with the daughter caregiver. And once that trust is established, um, they they soon let go. And again, like Elise said, is that they can actually become the daughter and not have to worry about doing any of the heavy lifting or the administrative um uh activities that come with taking care of mom or dad. Um, yeah, and so agreeing with you that I've had family members say that they can finally sleep, they can be the daughter, they enjoy not having to handle and manage um some of the things that, you know, caregiver management, um, strategies in caregiving, hospital discharges, and so many people that are involved in the care process that there's one point person, that being your aging life care manager, that can really take that off their hands. So um I wanted to take a moment to talk directly to the caregiving daughters listening today. Elise and I have a lived experience. I I'm sure that some of what we shared with you resonates with you. I want to validate that you're doing enough to give yourself grace, that you don't have to do this alone. And it's more than okay to ask for help. Elise, do you have anything to add?
SPEAKER_00Absolutely. And often the caregiver daughters are very accomplished women in their own right. And so they're used to being the ones that can just do everything, fix everything, manage everything. But the reality is that it's okay to ask for help. We all need help sometimes with all kinds of different areas of our lives. And this is caregiving is immensely hard, really. And so it's it can be very hard, very stressful, very demanding. And so asking for help is really okay. In fact, it's a good thing.
SPEAKER_02So if you're listening and thinking out there that I need the kind of help that Elise and I shared with you today, you can find an aging life care manager at aginglifecare.org. That's aginglifecare.org. The website also has a list of questions that you can ask when you're interviewing someone to see if they're a good fit and a lot of other great resources if you are caring for an older adult. What I would say is that at least give a call to see if they might be a solution for what you're going through and if they can be a support thing to explore all options that are available to you. But I do think in confidence that I can say that an aging life care manager, um, for the as long as I've been in practice, and I'm sure Elise can endorse this as well, that we do have a place in the caregiving journey and that we can relieve a lot of the administrative um load that you that you handle and coordinate so many things so that you don't have to. And we can often bring peace of mind to what can be a very stressful situation. Elise, thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and stories today, friend. And thank you to our listeners. If you're a daughter caregiver, we see you, we honor you, and we're here to support you. Elise, do you have any closing thoughts?
SPEAKER_00Sure. I'm looking forward to uh hearing future episodes of the Aging with the Experts podcast. Um, I really enjoyed today's conversation. I always feel like I learned something from the podcast. So take care, everyone. Have a great day.
SPEAKER_02Thank you.
SPEAKER_01Thanks for listening to the Aging with the Experts podcast. To learn more or find an Aging Life Care professional near you, visit aginglifecare.org. Be sure to subscribe and share this episode with someone who might benefit.